i think i appreciate life today.
and i hope you're doing well.
i'm pretty sure that brights eyes sings for me.
i capture bits and pieces of their lyrics and i'm sure it was meant for me to hear.
and i'm also sure that the movies and books that i've recently came across are trying to tell me something.
i just don't know what.
and i'm striving to fit the mold of how i'm supposed to be.
but i'm falling out of lines, i know that i am.
and i'm doing things i normally wouldn't do.
i guess everything changed in one night of my life.
i can't stop listening to bright eyes.
he's the only boy that i really want to hear.
i'm settling for messages coming in from home.
and new friends from school.
apparently, i can't be alone anymore.
i'm such a stupid girl sometimes.
i have no idea where she came from.
i'm bored with life.
and i have no feelings inside.
i wish travis would smack my face three times fast one last time.
except, i'm not sure if it helps..
i can't remember doing anything this semester.
okay, i lied... i lied a lot.
i moved into a new building at the end of august. if i told you that it's a nice place, i'd be lying again. it's really not at all, but i've learned to like it. i live with two of my best friends and the other girls are learning to like us too. we still party like rockstars nearly three days a week. no, but seriously... we do.
weird things have been happening... things like random bruises, fatal diseases, and kissing boys. i don't really want to talk about it... but i'm pretty sure, i should just be a lesbian. okay, i'm just kidding... but seriously, if you would hear half of the stuff boys actually say, you'd probably kill yourself.. because i even thought about it.
hmm, i'm trying to not to be funny and take life seriously, but i swear to god, i can't. if you videotaped the last three weeks of my life, not including the first two days that i've moved back, you'd probably smack me in my face and really mean it.
i hate journalism class... that's probably really bad considering i wanted to be a journalist. why did i think i didn't have to deal with the media in journalism? i have no idea. but i love my three literature classes regardless of how much i don't read. my english professors are probably the coolest people alive... only i'm not kidding. so i decided that if all else fails, i'll be a stupid english teacher.
i'm home.. homelife sucks worse than anything i've ever experienced when jam isn't around. regardless of how much i love my family, i seriously can't stand being bored. i know i sound like a snot, but i can't help it. i've grown a strong appreciation for playing bingo with my grandma... she's hands down, the best person that i've ever encountered..
so i dated travis for a day. it was the best day of my life.. only not really. but he came to visit me at school along with snicks and aubrie. it was probably the best weekend that i had in a long time. travis and i swore that we'd drink so much that we would just black out.. and well we didn't, of course. but we fell asleep to... "promise you'll hold my hand until morning." and feeling his heartbeat throughout the entire night made me feel safe again.
hmm, i'm not sure what else is important..
well it's no longer summer..
it's fall today.
fall brings me back, even still.
and i miss you.
i can't remember doing anything this summer.
the best summer night was probably tonight.
when pip and i blew up life size pictures of the girls at dairy queen.
and when pip pulled out this little big that consisted of a little horse, a fake cigarette, and a draddle, i almost threw up.
but according to the guy at kinkos, guys dig that stuff.
so, we went to walmart to buy myself those things...
no, we didn't..
we went to walmart to buy cardboard stuff so we can make our pictures stand up.
i can't describe the next couple of hours...
but if you saw these pictures of us, you would seriously kill yourself.
but anyways, tomorrow is thursday.
tomorrow, pip drives away back to school.
it sucks so bad, because i feel like summer just started.
but it's such a good feeling knowing that even though leaving home is so hard, we both get to leave this time and be with people who we've learned to love.
it makes me feel safe.
and on the subject of feeling safe...
my old best and i, still have conversations that last for hours.
we talk about all sorts of things and nothing in my life has ever felt so fitting.
i'm so proud of us, regardless of what happened.
my heart can never change that.
and just being able to have that, and to keep just that...makes me feel like we've accomplished so much more than i ever thought.
and when i feel alone, i know deep down, i'm really not.
and we're safe.
we're so safe.
and my last thought...
there's so much feeling that has been locked away.
i can't expect to ever live four more months the same way that i have last semester.
nothing could probably feel that free.
but i won't settle for anything else.
So summer is ending for the second time of my life.
And i don't want to talk about anything else.
It's probably important to know that i'm still doing well.
I can't feel anything at all.
I honestly feel like i've been sleeping for the past four months of my life.
school is starting so soon, and i'm really not motivated like i normally am.
i know that six english classes can probably keep me busy.
but i'm not so sure a three hour night class on reading literature is the way i want to spend my tuesday nights.
if i didn't have such high hopes of writing for a magazine in new york city, then i'd probably just quit school and learn on my own.
do you realize how much money goes into school?
and how much time?
i probably could have done something better with myself.
like fall in love..
or write a book..
but instead i'm doing what i'm supposed to do, because i'm too afraid not to.
if i had it my way, i'd be eighteen, falling in absurd love, and take a different path and not actually go back for the second semester of school. i'd write the entire time because i would have had experience to write about...
but instead, i'm leaving again.
it my only choice this time. i'm not even contemplating the issue, like i've done in the beginning of january. who knows what i'll do next?
i hope it's something different.
i hope i have enough guts to be something different.
and i have this crazy instinct that sometime in the future, i'm going to fall so gracefully out of the lines.
something really weird happened to me recently.
i can't describe it, but i know that every single move that i make now is so important.
i've been having such a terrible time being kind of cold and self-consumed,
and i can't remember ever being that way before ..
but anyways .. it was probably the first day of my life that i listened to my heart before my head.
and i can't even explain in words, the way that felt.
and even though my body was shaking and my insides felt close to eruption,
i've never experienced a single moment in my life that combined so many years to this one day.
it was beyond important for me to realize that time wasn't worthless at all.
i tried so hard prior to this, to believe in certainty .. to actually know that whatever has happened still goes on each and every day that we live.
and i found it and i believe in it and devour it everyday.
"we cannot live for ourselves alone. our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results."
i knew that was important when i read it last year .. but now i realize exactly why a very smart woman put that on the back of our apples.
my heart strings are forever tied to you.
happy new year.
this is going to be my last entry ever on here. i can't even put words on paper anymore. i have no idea what's happening to me but this isn't the place anymore for me to figure it out. i changed people within the past month. but i didn't want to leave without writing one last thing.
and even though this was only a journal that took maybe ten minutes per entry...i grew close to it.
this was my place to bash depression in the face.
a place to be imaginary with the future.
a place to keep hidden meaning behind every phrase.
a place to fall in love with words and sense.
a place to imagine the life of a writer and the gift i used to grasp.
and i'm leaving this journal..
with a touch of peace and a indescribable strive to establish so much more.
with every inch of my body knowing what love is and can be and a strong feeling that it's never going away.
and lastly, with a bundle of happiness that sticks so close to my bones.
so here's to the new year.
i'm the happiest girl alive.
my two days home have been calm,
relaxing and wonderful.
i can't share what i'm feeling..
i know i know i know, i'm still your love.
home in two days for nearly a month.
my heart is so full and i can't wait to share what i'm feeling.
i love you.
i don't know what i want.
but i know i'm really sad when people say i miss you.
and i know that small incidents that go on everyday,
are trying to show me what i want.
i'm confused so bad, but in a good way.
i feel like i have the greatest thing in the world.
and i feel all this time is making me feel all these crazy things.
and my life ended and started a new beginning.
i promise you it did.